more ponderings

This week has been a week of learning.

After I ate the 6 malteesers and put the packet back later that night I finished the pack just to see if I could.  I guess testing the pods? Well I did finish them but I did not enjoy them, if that makes sense. I also ate a kinder buerno.  Normally doing this would have resulted in a binge on rubbish ie eat that sugary food crave more.  That day it did not :) In fact I learnt that it didn't bother me, it wasn't as yummy as I remembered it, so I learnt and moved on.

The following day I had two large waitrose cookies.  They were yummy but you know they made me feel sicky and full and bloated and down.  I got no kick out of eating them, I ate nothing after that, and learnt that sugary foods are not needed  'do it for me' anymore. Yes I could override the pods to a point BUT a) had to stop when full regardless of what the food was b)I still cannot binge :) this is amazing

This was me trying my utmost to self sabbotage. Lets face it I've perfected it and spent 20 years doing it lol, what I am trying to say is I no longer succeed :)

I am noticing my food is becoming healthier and healthier all the time, because I want it to be not because it has to be :) I am leaving food on my plate again more so must serve up smaller portions or the dog will get fat! I don't like that full feeling anymore. Someone lovely mentioned this yesterday that she didn't either and it reminded me that I didn't. I used to like the comfort of that 'overfull' feeling.. now I hate it :) So many little changes.

I truely feel I've learnt so much this week.

Today I got up. I felt bloated, fat and sad. Now in the past I'd have dwelled on this for days, bingeing, overeating, consoling myself with rubbish to make myself feel better. Today I had a shower and bleached the bath! Using that time to clear my mind, think things through.  So how do I feel now? Fine :)  Its done its dusted I'm not dwelling on it.

I want to declutter so today will the be the lounge. I am yet to do it but I plan to :)

Someone mentioned panic attacks yesterday and I thought 'oh my goodness, I've not had any!' how cool is that ? I hadn't realised hadn't noticed but looking back its been a while. I also used to feel so anxious about everything, shopping, walking, talking to people, vets, everything, you name it I found something to worry about and work myself up about, I haven't been doing this either :)

I truely believe for some of us theres such alot of 'head' stuff to sort out before the weight can come off. Afterall that weight has been our comfort for years. We've hidden behind it. IF it just fell off would we cope. I for one would not have done.  I really feel these pods have cleansed my mind, built up my confidence, they are giving me other ways to cope with stuff, so in theory now the weight and sizes can go down as I no longer feel the need to comfort myself in this way :) Its like a weight has been lifted and all this clicked while I was bleaching the bath, sorting out my thoughts and it was like a lightbulb moment... I don't need to hide behind my blubber anymore I want to emerge from it and enjoy my life again. I CAN DO THIS!

I speak up for myself. Before I wouldn't have dreamt of doing so. I'd have wanted to fade into the back ground but not now I say no to things that I want to, I say if I don't agree with something, and I say if I don't want to do something.  I also have a fear aggressive dog, its very hard to live with but in control at home and on walks but vets is a nightmare. This week we walked down there the main road way, coped well, went in, spent 40 mins there and I calmly told the vet how I felt, that I needed support, what I needed and she helped. In the past I'd have been a quivering wreck :) I left feeling I had achieved something and someone had listened to me and what I needed.

People are starting to notice my shape changing and my confidence. At first I still wanted to hide behind my big clothes and keep quiet but I don't seem to anymore. Its a good feeling.

I am feeling really focused and determined. I WILL DO THIS!

I am adding this on the end as this week is all about lessons learnt.  A couple of weeks ago i bought a Greggs sausage roll. I took one bite and all I could taste was grease and seriously could not eat it.

Well today we've been busy all afternoon so had fish and chips.  I had fish cake and chips. Again all I could taste was grease but they werent that greasy. I ate some and stopped, as it was just too much of a greasy taste. I was physically sick within 5 mins of eating it and now feel awful, my mouth feels and tastes likes I've chewed a block of lard... horrible, but OMG go slimpod!