Monday, 23 July 2012

changes changes all the time :)

So I am noticing more changes.  I drove to my sisters at the weekend. Its not far but I simply got in the car and drove. No stress, no anxiety, no working it out in my head just drove. Went the long way round so hit the big roundabouts - fine, even hit road works - fine :) So something has definitely changed :)

Food - I am simply eating when hungry and stopping when full. I am noticing my portion sizes are smaller, I am eating slower, savouring each mouthful, and stopping when satisfied. I am making the healthy choice still 99% of the time but  am not following a diet plan I am just eating what I fancy when I fancy it :) Its like something has clicked into place. I really do feel in control of my eating :)

I am also noticing that stuff goes on and I can see it for what it is and move on. Things are not affecting me like they used to and I can see that other peoples 'issues' are just that, 'their issues' not mine and it floats over my head :)

Exercise also seems to have become just something I do each day and enjoy it :eek: its just like its natural to get up and do some exercise before I work, no stress, no making myself do it, it just happens naturally.

We had a BBQ last night and I didn't overeat and wasn't tempted to. I had a little of what I fancied and stopped when satisfied. Its so lovely to have this free reign on food and remain in control. I was always determined when I found slimpods never to diet again, not to follow a plan but just to learn to be normal with food - well I am happy to say I have succeeded in that now. The weightloss will follow its now inevitable but not following a plan it won't drop off me, but thats fine too as early on in my journey I realised and learnt

The tortoise always wins :) slow and steady wins the race :)

I am also beginning to have faith in me :) to like me as a person, to accept me for who I am. This is a biggie for me as I am my own worst critic and if I can't love or like me its always been hard to accept that others might.  I am gradually changing in this one, and feel I am worth it :)

We have booked our holiday on the edge of the lakes, can't wait and so looking forward to walking lots :) I love walking you would never guess would you?

I have been listening to the confidence pod now since January. I have gone from zero confidence to around 80% now :) its amazing. Its subtle, and a lovely pod to listen to and it most certainly works.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

an update from me

So hows it going since my first session of cognitive hypnotherapy. Its going well.  I seem to be settling now.  My stomach has been alot better but I did have a flare up this weekend which I am putting down to stress. I also accept it will take time to heal my stomach as I've had this problem for 25 years.

I have had a lot of stress since my first appointment and found myself back in the crisp drawer :( I don't like this one bit. I don't over eat though as on days I turned to crisps I simply couldn't eat tea.  Where as in the past I'd have eaten rubbish all day plus my meals.

I had my second appointment with Lori on Friday.

I got the bus there and back!  This was a huge achievement for me as one of the things I went to see Lori about was travelling. I was able to halve my tablet intake for this journey too :) So big improvements already. I was also confident enough to ask the bus driver to stop at the stop I have to get off without pressing the button as I was a little unsure and he was lovely.

We chatted about how I had been since the appt the week before and I explained I hadn't been out driving. So Lori suggested I start with journeys I had done before and was reasonably comfortable doing to see if it felt any different.

I then explained that I seemed to be backtracking a little and reaching for the crisp drawer.  So before I knew it we were on a journey to find out why.  I was given a list that I cannot remember but it included emotional eating, and comfort eating and told to chose the first thought that came into my head. So 'comfort eating' it was.

We did timeline again and at first this time I couldn't see a clear image but within seconds I knew what it went back to.

There was young Jackie aged 10-11 upstairs in her bedroom dreadfully upset as Mum and Dad were downstairs screaming their heads off at each other yet again. They used to argue alot in the years before they split and omg did they yell. I hated it. I was sitting hugging my knees wanting it all to stop. This was apparently the day I began comfort eating.  This is why I turn to food for comfort. I may also have an emotional attachment to food etc etc this is just one little thing that escalated into turning to junk to comfort myself as I had no control over the situation and didnt like it. I can clearly remembering stuffing my face with crisps, choccie biscuits on a regular basis at that sort of age. So my subconscious has had 30 years to ingrain this and match this scenaro to many occassions. We discussed what could I tell young Jackie. How could I help her through this with my knowledge now, how could we tell her its not her fault, nothing she could have done or said to change anything. It all boiled down to not being in control of situations. I have to feel in control. Not be bossy not be nasty, just 'feel in control' does that make sense? This is going to be waffly I think as I am struggling to remember it all and the 1.5 hours flew by so I know it was good lol.  I could then see young Jackie. I'd told her it wasn't her fault, some people just don't get on, she couldnt have changed anything and I lifted the weight off her shoulders.  I could see me very clearly what I looked like, what my hair was like, it was strange. As I lifted the weight off her shoulders I saw myself running through very long grass, wadding through using my hands to part it, it was a long way but when I came out the other side I ran around happy, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders it was very visual.

We then went back a couple of years to see if we hit the right spot. How was jackie aged 8ish? Oh she was fine, all smiles, happy go lucky and smiley.

So we did some more work on Jackie aged 10 which was fascinating but I have a block sort of. At some point I was asked how Jackie aged ten felt. I replied 'useless', 'worthless' 'no good' 'rubbish'  why?? Because someone told me so hmmmmm where did I feel it.? in my heart on a number of 1-10 how useless was Jackie with 1 being the most uselss, rubbish etc '1' I replied. What colour is it 'pink'.... I had tears rolling down my face at this point. I had no confidence, I felt I truely was useless, worthless, hated me.  So we did some work on this. What could we do to the pink to make it 10 rather than 1. Make it bright pink I love cerise pink. So she talked about all sorts and this pink got brighter and brighter. She then said I want young Jackie to forgive the person who said this to her. Say she forgives them. I found this very hard but after what felt like forever. I saw young Jackie go up and hug this person. Cerise pink was now number 10 . Did this person like that fact Jackie forgave her? yes they did. They actually smiled and picked me up and gave me a big hug. They cuddled and hugged Jackie age 10 so if we come back up the road to the now, what is relationship with this person like? Lovely I said they smile at me and they like me for being me. love me for who i am. I am no longer useless I have a purpose, I am worth it.  How does Jackie feel now? very happy and very smiley and feels so good about herself. How could Jackie have coped back then? for some reason 'reiki' was the answer use the reiki to comfort herself rather than turn to food. Then I saw the vision I saw as a little girl age 10. A beautiful blue angel sat on the end of my bed. She handed me a bright pink ball of positive energy weird but I did see a beautiful angel sat on my bed aged 10. I assumed it was a dream.

We came back to the now and went ahead to see if it had worked and it had. She tested me with questions etc and the feeling had gone

How does Jackie feel now? Okay, but theres something else more bridges to mend. This colour was green. It was all to do with Jackie having faith in Jackie. Jackie accepting herself. Jackie loving Jackie. This was at number 6. So we worked on this. We worked it up to a lovely rich green number 10. I will now see Jackie is worth it, shes important, shes useful and other peoples issues are just that, their issues, their insecurities, their problems and they can remain that way. New Jackie can see that  New Jackie can see these are things out of her control that neednt bother her anymore.

In fact I can't remember it all clearly today. So some of the above could be jumbled up I sense some of it is and that I've missed out a big chunk.. At the moment I can't remember it. There was a lot of work with a blue colour and the green colour, and tonnes on the pink, but the above is all I remember at the moment.  This is my account of my memories of what we did and what I felt and saw but its not 100% accurate as there are huge chunks I simply cannot remember.
so I am going back in about a couple of weeks for a follow up.

I need to learn  to love Jackie as much as others do. To see that others genuinally like/love me for who I am and to accept it. To accept that some may not and that too is fine but their issues and insecurities are theirs and not mine and something I can do nothing about and to stop trying to and see it for what it is.

I learnt that Jackie is worth it.  Shes a lovely person who cares so much but carried a very heavy weight around for many years because she believed she was useless, worthless and stupid, but actually she was far from it, she just could not see it .

I have to make a wish list of things I would love to do now that old Jackie has gone, shes been sorted and shes fine  where would I like to go, who would I like to meet, what would I like to do? Gradually add to it as I think of things and tick them off as I do them.

I was asked if I knew any affirmations. How apt is it that this is the one I know

I love and approve of myself

and do you know what?? today I do

It comes from Louise Hay's book.  So I am off to find Louise Hay's book to reread

oh and we looked forward. Jackie was slim, fit, healthy, happy and smiley and enjoying life to the full I could really see me slim :) very visual :) and very happy and smilie :)

I drove to Waitrose yesterday in the pouring rain. In the past I wouldn't have gone. Also it felt 'normal' to drive, rather than an effort or have to think out each step of the journey. I just got into the car and drove. My little girl and I had coffee and cake in the cafe first and I have to leave alot of my coffee and over half of my cake as I had simply had enough :) Leave cake and coffee I paid for! Unheard of!  .........

I am still listening to my pods. I love them. They are quite simply life changing. They gave me the confidence to do this :)

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Wow what an emotional day

So today I had an appointment with a local Quest Cognitive Hypnotherapist.  I've suffered for 25 years with IBS anchoring back to a holiday in Tunisia age 19/20 I became very ill with food poisoning and bad tummys and travel linked for the next 25 years.

I also lack confidence driving. I can drive but I hate slip roads and I hate dual carriageways and that escalated into hating driving full stop unless it was in Rushden lol.

So I am going to share my diary entry for today with you to save me typing it all out again. Its been a terribly emotional day for me today and my mind is whizzing and whurring as it processes all we worked on :)

is my first reaction to today seriously the mind is amazing

So I've had a pretty rough week as some of you will know. I've had awful diarhorrea, and pretty sure its been the lead up to todays appointment, ie my mind trying to protect me and stop me going.

The weirdest bit is that some of the anxiety work  already done really really worked. So although my tummy was awful I was calm its the most odd feeling indeedy. No palpitations, no panic attack, no knot of anxiety, no feeling sick.

I slept fairly well too.

So I dosed up with immodium as my safety net and waited for my taxi. £19 it cost me but needs must I needed a direct route to the door for this trip.

So I arrive and Lori was fab. Such a lovely lady and started nattering straight away. She has a lovely lodge thingy in the garden, it was a beautiful sunny day too

So we discussed it all and we started. We did another timeline. and yep back to Tunisia but what was odd is it took me back to the exact day I got ill. I was stood in the lift in the hotel. I could see what I wearing, what I looked like, What Gary was wearing what he looked like clear as a photograph. So we did some work. Its hard to explain but you discuss how the younger you would feel and what you could have done, and felt, then because shes a reiki master and so am I we both sent healing back to young me. Odd I know but very powerful. I could see such a rich purple colour. When I used to do lots of reiki purple was my healing colour. She asked what I could tell young Jackie to make her feel better, how did young Jackie feel, where did she feel it etc etc. Then we move forward towards the now in my mind and on the way back you visulise events that could have been different had I not got IBS. Then open eyes. Then we talk and then she asks me to go back to an event that could have been different and how do I feel its so odd but exciting, as I felt fine, and I went... I nipped back to prior to being married and we were going to Gary's cousins wedding. Outfit was hanging up, I was going. Its was a slim grey suit with a cerise pink top hanging there ready to wear. But I didn't go because of my tummy. Now if any of you asked me yesterday about this I couldn't have remembered it. But I saw the suit, the top, the shoes, the bag (all matching ) and me a mess, I couldn't go and I didn't go. But when we nipped back I would have gone

Oh and then she said to go to the future and see if its worked. I visualised our family boarding a plane to Spain. OMG! Anyone that knows me knows this is enormous... I've not been abroad since Tunisia!!  Also I was apparently wearing size 12 jeans hehehehehehehe (so I know its not this year then!!!)

The weirdest bit was I didn't feel under at all. It was like we delved into a library full of books and each book was a memory its odd. At times I couldn't think of anything but she'd just ask something else and suddenly this image would appear just as if I'd taken it off the shelf

So She said we had more time and why not find out what caused me to not be confident driving. So she asked why I didn't like driving, Mainly going past slip roads, ie other cars joining the road, going down slip roads, overtaking, driving on dual carriageway which then escalated to having no confidence to driving out of my confidence zone. So She asked what even started this off. So I chirp up Gary being a passenger seat driver moaning at me and telling me what to do. I remember that day many years ago you see and I pulled over and told him to bleddy drive then and never drove with him again... so there I was certain this was my 'anchor'

So off we go down my timeline road, again. and I'm patiently waiting for this image of that day to pop into my head and beggar me it doesn't Suddenly this image of me and my Dad driving on the motorway to see my lovely Nanna and Grandad in Bristol hits me, like a slap in the face. I can see me sitting there heavily pregnant with Matt. I'm wearing a Mothercare summer drop waisted maternity dress in blue and white thin pin stripe, with my lovely Dad beside me . We come this roundabout where we continue round in the left hand lane and it joins a dual carriageway. On the right is a massive lorry. In the right hand lane that as he wants to come round the roundabout needs to move into ours. Do you know those ones I mean, you don't stop you stay and go round to the left, and then they merge. This lorry came at us as we were not in his line of view and nearly had us off the road at speed. My Dad pulled back and it missed us by an inch. It was awful and I remember it now. We were both so shaken with what might have been especially with me so heavily pregnant. She then asked me to describe how we felt, what my Dad said, and to discuss with young Jackie and Dad what could have been done different, how I felt etc, How Dad felt and it was so real. I was sat there and my lovely Dad was sat there and I cried abit. So we did similar and came back towards the now with me thinking of things I could have done that I didn't. Eyes open. Then again we delved back to a time to check if it had worked and there was me driving happily on a day I refused to and yep that day was the one where Gary was passenger driver We also discussed what colour was safe. It was yellow. we did the scale of 1-10 how safe I felt now and I said 10.

We discussed how I felt about me. Did I have faith in me. How confident was I How did I feel. I said useless. etc etc. She asked where I felt these feelings and I said in my heart. What colour was it? Red. on a scale of 1-10 today how do I feel about me? I said 5. So she talked about how to get to 10, what can we change and I said to make the red heart bigger and brighter, so we did that. Then she asked how I felt and I said 'fab' . She said in what way and I replied 'happy, smilie and confident' This bit was really Did I have faith in me? Yes I replied. What can you do now Jackie? 'Anything I put my mind to' was my reply

This was a very emotional appointment for me. Very emotional indeedy.

When I left she's given me tasks

1) To do reiki each day and use it again
2) To drink more water to help my tummy heal
3) to go out in the car alone for short journeys to see how I feel and build up my confidence
4) to listen to the download she'll send me tomorrow daily
5) to go back at 10am next friday

It was so sunny when I left. She asked how I was getting home. I told her I thought I would wander down the lane into the town and see about a bus I did this too. Its a 20 min walk into a town I've never been too. I found a bus stop but decided I was on the wrong side of the road. So I went into the library. They couldn't help but gave me a bus timetable. So out I came and wandered up and down the high street. Spotted another bus stop on the other side of the road but there were a group of men there and I didn't fancy asking them as felt uncomfortable so I went into the newsagents got a magazine and asked two ladies in there. They confirmed I was right and we nattered for 5 mins and off I set again. Yep Jackie a) went into the library to ask b) asked and nattered to two strangers for 5 mins. I get to the bus stop and a lady was also there, so I checked with her, and she too was travelling to Rushden. we stood and nattered waiting for the bus she then explained where it would stop on Friday when I come back etc so that I knew. So next friday I am busing there and back and will walk the 20 mins to and from her house

So its been quite a day for me.

Now the weirdest thing was not once, did I ask her to help with my weight this proves its no longer forefront in my mind. I had the opportunity to get to the root of my weight but I didn't.... how odd is that I set out on the journey primarily to lose weight, but over the months what I wanted from the journey changed. I wanted to be healthier, happier, more confident and live longer. I think I am getting there don't you??

I also believe that as new Jackie has more faith in herself. More confidence. A higher self esteem the weight will melt off because there will no longer be anything holding me back thats my theory anyway so all I can do now is take life one day at a time and see what happens