Monday, 26 November 2012

Positivity Rocks!

It was always me that told everyone how important the positives are, what a difference they made, then I had my blip and printed out the handbook again and began listing just the positives rather than in diary form.

It works!

Something clicked. The exercise is back. I am not obsessing about food at all. Just eating when hungry, what I fancy and stopping when full.

I am really liking the TTapp Basic Workout Plus.  When I first got it I found it too complex and shoved it on the shelf to get dusty with the rest of my exercise DVDs but I am on day 10 and can now pretty much do it from start to finish and I try every day except Sundays as not found a time when I can fit in it with everyone home.  Its not simple thats for sure, and the moves are complex but I feel I am slowly working them out and getting used to them and it works every muscle in a 15 minute workout. No leaping up and down either which suits me.  I plan to record my inch loss on day 30 and day 60 to see how its working for me.

I feel slimmer and I feel my waist looks more defined again. My tummy seems to be going down bit by bit too :)  I am also noticing the moves are less difficult for me to do too.

The fit pod really seems to have kicked in again as like this morning, I felt so tired, I half thought, shall I bother? Shall I give it a miss today? yet my brain was going 'do it' 'just do it' so I did!

I had very little sleep last night which in the past would have resulted in no exercise (but then I never exercised lol!), eating crap all day and feeling sorry for myself generally. Today, I got up listened to my pods, took Charlie to school, did my TTapp, and not even thought about food yet! I notice so many little changes all the time.

It was funny I had a 'different day' foodwise on Friday. Carbs, crisps, choccie.  I sat and thought 'what was that all about' and felt a little baffled, then realised the following day it was hormone related totally. Now in the past in the lead up to a period it would be choccie, choccie, crisps crisps for about a week! then it carried on during too. Now I find its just the day before :) So an enormous improvement and still ate way less than I normally would have done in the past :)

Reading Dawn's post on why positives matter has helped me too. Realising how it works, and why they matter. It really does work. On my handbook pages I just literally list every positive no mention of anything negative like I would have done as a diary entry. I guess looking back the negatives and postives seemed to cancel themselves out in my notebook whereas just writing the positives seems to have an emormous effect on me. Lesson learnt.

I actually feel really positive, calm and confident at the moment. I am positive I will reach my goals. I am positive I have finally lost that silly diet head. Its taken a year to shake it off. I now eat with my family. No diet foods, no calories, no syns, no points just food for fuel. Yep I have the odd cupcake, I sometimes have peanut butter on toast, I sometimes I have crisps, I occassionally eat chocolate,but do you notice what stands out in that sentence??

odd cupcake
sometimes have peanut butter on toast
occassionally eat chocolate
sometimes have crisps

These are huge breakthroughs for me :) I call this normal eating!

I really do feel like I am now in control of food and it no longer controls me!

I seem to have a normal relationship with food :)

I used to binge daily, secret eat all the time hiding the evidence, graze all day, constantly go to the kitchen and wonder 'what can I eat now'?  This has all gone.

I have the odd 'different day' when I eat more, or seem to eat more crap or carbs but they are just that 'different day's'

Lori taught me about different days. Its helped alot. Its taken me a while to see it as it is though and not beat myself up. But as soon as I simply saw them as 'different days' I've noticed I have less of them.

I used to have a blip, everytime I wrote a positive post on here.  Like I'd self sabotage.  I do sometimes have a 'different day' after a positive post but I think to myself 'what was that all about' I work it out and move on.  Sandra told me to ask myself that. 'What was that all about' each time something happens and I find this advice invaluable. Its brilliant. As often I can work out the reason, laugh or roll my eyes at it and move on!

Positivity Rocks! and I have my positivity back!

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Disappointment - Failure

Dawn's post this morning made me really think. As ever she's right :)

Yesterday I was tearful. I felt a fat failure. Why? This time last year I was a size 26 roughly and his year I am a size 18. Why did I feel such a failure? What happened?

**adding this bit *** after rereading what I wrote. I messaged Dawn last night. She helped immediately. She changed how I thought about it all in one facebook conversation. I can't thank her enough. I sat there messaging Dawn with tears streaming down my face, I ended the message with a big grin on my face. Dawn you are a fab listener and will have an fantastic cognitive hypnotherapy business as you really are fab at it.  You are such a lovely friend. You never judge, you always jump in and help and I for one can't thank you enough for it and I'm so glad we 'met' x ******

Well back in January I set goals. My goal was to be in a size 14 Joe Browns dress today for my 25th Wedding Anniversary.  I didn't reach my goal so in my head I was a disappointment, I was a failure.. But why?  I've achieved so much this year. I've changed so much. Yes theres more to do and more inches to lose but that does not make me a failure.

I was so tearful yesterday, felt very down, let it really get to me. Crazy really isn't it? I set those goals so I'm not letting anyone else down am I? I chose them and I moved them but as today got nearer and nearer I couldn't handle the feelings of failure.

This morning I feel alot better. My hubby bought me a present I love for the first time in many years. He chose it himself and I love it and its an item of clothing. A John Lewis knitted dress. As I opened it my heart sank. He'd bought me a size 16. That failure feeling crept in again,I felt disappointed. But I tried it on and it fits! I was astounded and it didn't look too bad. I'd like to lose a few more inches to feel comfortable wearing it but it does fit and many would wear it that way. It looks fine. So my next goal is to wear it comfortably for Christmas Day :)

I came straight back from taking Charlie to school in the pouring rain, put on my exercise gear and did my TTapp basic workout which I can nearly do now :) I am loving it. A 15 min workout, no high impact yet works every muscle. Its perfect for me. And of course, the hoe downs :)

Its the first exercise other than walking I've managed to stick to in my whole life. This time last year exercise was a swear word. I was allergic to it! or so I said. I hated it. This year I love it. Okay only the exercises I enjoy but to me this is what its all about. Trevor says 'anything more than nothing' and thats just it its finding an exercise we enjoy doing and want to do, be it walking, TTapp, running, swimming, we are all individual. TTapp works for me. I enjoy it. I feel full of energy when I've finished that workout and have more energy for the rest of the day and I achieve good inch loss in a 15 min workout :) What more can I ask?

Just over a year ago we lost my lovely Father in Law so we've just had the year anniversary. Its been quite a tough year as a family coming to terms with our loss and hes very much missed. He was such a big part of our lives. The kids (even the older two) let off lovely shiny star shaped balloons with a message tied to the bottom of each from each of them and we had a few mins 'think' time. It was lovely. He was lovely and we all miss him so much. It also made me think of my Dad too who I still miss greatly.

My real goal was to be fit and healthy and live a longer life, a life my Dad didn't have as he died suddenly aged just 60. He was not healthy, he was not fit, so I set out to show him that I would learn from his mistakes and make him proud of me.  I think I probably have already as I've made a lot of changes this year and I am fitter, I am healthier and I am sure my new life style is setting me up to live longer too. I know I am happier. I know I still need to learn to love me. I thought I had but yesterday showed me I hadn't ... but that will come, in the mean time I am sure I'm not the easiest person to live with as I don't take compliments well and in my head if I don't love or like me how can others? Thats just how I feel but I am working on it and I've seen the changes a year can have so this time next year should be interesting :) I am sure by my 26th Wedding anniversary I will be that size 14 :)

So as Trevor says - there is no failure only feedback. Nothing needs to be easy just possible :) as Dawn says 'nothing needs to be the way its always been' :)

I love those quotes. I live by them, or try to.

Last night I was stressed too, someone went into the back of a car, who in turn went into the back of our car :( No mega damage done but Chris was in the car with his broken leg. The jolt sent a massive pain down his leg and it throbbed for ages. He nearly passed out with the pain. This has worried me as he insisted hes fine and I feel he should have gone to the hospital to have it xrayed and checked. Hes due to have his long cast off next Tuesday. I so hope this little accident hasn't undone any of the healing and his leg is okay today. He can't wait to get into a shorter cast and will be gutted if its done any damage :( so wish they'd just had it looked at for peace of mind, but thats men eh! All will be fine! No need to worry! I do the worrying for them!

I sat and ate a small box of chocolates yesterday - because i'd failed. Funny how that little diet head pops in isn't it?  Failure = eat = console oneself.  Yet I haven't failed, I just took the scenic route and dealt with many issues in my life as I felt fit to change them. I've learnt from mistakes. I've got confidence for the first time in years. I am way calmer than I've ever been. I am slimmer, I am happier, but I have a fair way to go on my journey. The choccies were nice and I didn't share them (another old habit) but its done now, I could see what was going on in my head and I'm moving on because


Thursday, 15 November 2012

I'm Back!

Well I am definitely back! Back in the zone.

Been doing the TTapp daily, and including 3 sets of hoe downs daily.

I am eating when hungry stopping when full.

When I decided it was time to sort out the blip I weighed and measured.  That was on the 5th November. Today I weighed and measured and have lost 4.25 inches and 1.5lb so I am happy with that.

I feel in control

I had my lunch and then this voice in my head said 'mmmmm what can I have' off I went to the kitchen, looked in the larder (wasn't even tempted by the crisp drawer :) ) and came back with???? A BIG FAT NOTHING! I simply didn't want anything woohoo!

Tonight decided lazy easy tea, sausages, tiny chopped bits of potato done in the oven and beans. Started cooking it but decided no not what I wanted? So I made chicken and roasted veggies and thats what I had and the others nibbled on some chicken too.  I am really listening to my body, what do I really want? How hungry am I?

I also noticed how much confidence I had at parents evening despite feeling apprehensive this time.  Once I got there I was fine and stood my ground on a couple of issues and left there feeling in control rather than a quivering wreck. I did it!

I also rang someone who normally I don't bother to ring and we had a good natter and it just felt right :)

a couple of days ago I had the most stressful day I've had in a long time and not once did I turn to or consider turning to food! These pods are working 400%!

Sunday, 11 November 2012

back in control

Yesterday was a good day :) I ate when hungry stopped when full simple as that. :) felt good to feel in control of food and not to rebel or override the pods.

Back into my exercise and noticing I have more energy again because of it and generally feel better in myself.

I am also noticing I have my lovely 'inner calm' back :) I love that :) Its so lovely not to be a stress head, not to let other peoples issues bother me, I love the fact that 'their issues are theirs not mine'. Not in a nasty way but I just accept that I can't change them and its not 'about me' :)

I feel slimmer again today. I seem to be losing that teletubby/weeble feeling I had last week and it feels good. I felt so sluggish and it wasn't nice and my stomach seemed huge, but its going again and I feel positive, calm and confident again :) I really am back!

These pods work, its that terrible diet head that jumps in and tries to ruin it every now and again. One day I'll be rid of that 'diet head ' once and for all I know it.  I guess so many years of diets takes it toll.

I started this journey with no intention of ever dieting again and believe me I'll achieve it. I shall never calorie count, count syns or points ever. I shall learn to live healthily, exercise regularly, eat when hungry stop when full. I'm doing this 'my way' the pods way :) all habits can be broken and I truely accept some take longer than others.

Today I can see what I've achieved so far, despite the blips, the tears, the frustrations at times, I can see it :)

I am no longer a chocoholic - thats a biggie as I was for as long as I can remember

No more secret eating

Can go swimming again if I want to

Can drive as and when I feel like it

No anxiety - this is huge for me I was anxious about everything

I have confidence - (i had zero)

I am so positive ( I was so negative)

I am calm (I was a raging stresshead)

I am in control ( I used to feel so out of control with food it controlled me )

I have learnt that hunger is not an emergency

I have learnt that 'I am worth it, I am enough, I am significant, I matter, I am important to life'

I have learnt that we can change things if we want to . We don't have to live this way if we chose not to.

Anything is possible

We can do anything we put our minds to

Our mind is so powerful

Nothing has to be easy just possible

There is no failure only feedback

If we keep doing what we've always done we'll keep on getting what we always got - this can be changed

All habits can be changed - some just take time

Being skinny isn't the be all and end all, healing is from the inside out

We need to love ourselves

Emotions come in waves and last approx 6 mins so its worth learning to 'ride the storm, rather than shove it down with food' feel the emotion, deal with it, move on

Food is an addiction, a drug to some of us

Our journies are individual

Life is for living - I'm going to live it!!

Saturday, 10 November 2012

a different day

Yesterday was a 'different day' where I turned to crisps. I know why which is something and I sat and thought about it realising it was silly. So it remains just that 'a different day'. I still found and had positives and I'm back in the zone again today.

In fact I woke at 6am and couldn't get back to sleep, so rested for a while then got up and did my TTapp :) I am back to TTapp and walking as they work for me and I enjoy both. Better to do an exercise I enjoy and will keep up with than push myself to do something that I won't.

I love the fact TTapp is low impact but works every muscle so I ordered the 50 min step up to the max dvd last night and then I have 3. I still struggle with the Basic Workout. Its only 15 mins and the reviews are amazing but I've not mastered it so thats my challenge to slowly and steadily a weeny bit at a time do just that. I'll do my other one and just do one move until I work it out and then move on to the next. I know it works so its worth persevering with :)

I've also started using coconut oil for some of my cooking and love it. I did roasted veg this week in it and the smell and taste was divine and I didn't think once cooked you could taste the coconut at all. I read up on some of its wonderful reviews and decided to try it. I am also giving Carla a tsp a day as it really does seem really good.

I have ditched the scales again as realise that was a big part of my 'different day' I know they are not kind to me so its kind of fruitless using them as a measure of my success. Clothes and how I feel are a far better measure as I have proved many times so its time to stop stepping on them 'just to see' as when I 'see' I feel a failure and I know I'm not a failure I've achieved so much this year and yep still have a long way to go but as I always say to others its not a race its a lifestyle change.

I am looking forward to what this year brings in my podding journey. :)

Thursday, 8 November 2012

two days, I'm on a roll! and the story of a chocoholic! or should I say 'was a chocoholic'!

Another good day. I did have 4 chocolates last night and 3 marshmallows but reminded myself thats allowed as I fancied them and not on a diet and the rest of the box are still there :) so in my mind this is an amazing step forward and shows I am not overriding the pods anymore! woohoo! Jackie really is back!

Funnily enough reading what Becca just put about hunger not being an emergency showed me a few things

a) I wasn't hungry and knew that I wasn't
b) I felt I was overriding the pods on purpose
c) I can do this!

So day 3 is already underway. I've listened to my pods already and feeling calm, confident and positive again :)

I really feel I can do this.  I just need to stop and think each time I go towards that crisp draw or give in to the lure of chocolate calling me from the kitchen or the shop.  I went through a terrible phase of overriding Trevor's voice in my ear 'you don't need it' 'you are not hungry' it was like the child in me 'so what! I'll have it anyway! what you gonna do about it!' I could almost see me being rebelious, hands on hips, snotty voice, just as I perhaps did as a child.  The thing is I'm not that child anymore I'm an adult and all I actually achieved was to put on weight!

I had a conversation last week that threw up the fact in a nut shell I didn't like to disappoint people, or would feel people would be disappointed in me. A failure. No good, useless. But the big word was 'disappointment'. This conversation made me realise what was happening what was going on in my head and it was actually really silly. I have really felt I've left that Jackie behind finally and can now move on and continue my journey. Goodness me its been a journey so far but I don't regret any of it. Look what I've achieved, look what I've changed :) Even now back in some tight size 18's I'm a different Jackie. Old Jackie would be a size 26/28 again squeezed into a size 20! She'd have given up ages ago but this Jackie dusts herself down and picks herself up and works out each thing thrown at me. Doesn't dust it under the carpet she deals with it, disects it, works it out and moves on. :) I rather like the new Jackie.

New Jackie just had a skype conversation.  (eek) whats the big deal you ask? wow alot of a deal. a) seeing me, b) new technology c) that fear of being a disappointment.

I thought about this on the way to take Charlie to school. Old Jackie would have cancelled yesterday. She'd have pulled out one of her excuses. I was pretty good at excuses actually as used them all the time. New Jackie took a deep breath and did it :) she had no intention at any point of pulling out, of taking the easy way out, she planned all along to go ahead with it as it was part of moving on, part of her journey. I am proud of new Jackie today. Would she do it again?  Yes she would :)

This post brought up a far bigger story. The story of a chocoholic. A secret eater. Anyone else done it? Does it? Is it , was it just me?

I'd buy chocolate. Chocolate was my drug. Upset, tired, fed up, stressed = stuff it all down with chocolate. Had to be Cadburys (I swear their sales have gone down alot recently ! hehehehehe) jackie the chocolate monster! She ate loads. I'd go in the shop buy loads, muttering that they were for the kids to put away in the larder incase they wanted them. (rollseyes) I even felt guilty buying it, as I knew what I was going to do.

I'd buy 3 for a £1 etc. I'd buy them if they weren't 3 for a £1 too of course! but I'd buy 6 and eat them all. Twirls, crunchies, large 200g bars, etc etc. I ate them. Did I feel sick? Sometimes but then i'd have a coffee and carry on. Did I share it, heck no! You hide it in your desk drawer under the envelopes and sneek out there later 'to work' don't you? as thats what I did.

I'd hide the wrappers in my drawer too.  I'd then screw them up in paper or old envelopes to put them in the bin.  So that nobody knew what I was doing.

If I bought chocolates or was given chocolates I ate them all and then hid the boxes flat packed in jiffy bags until the recycling man came :( I'd then put them out when nobody knew. :( Easter was the worst. I only ever bought Cadburys eggs (I wonder why) I'd buy loads on offer, and eat my way through them while kids at school and hubby at work. I'd then flat pack the boxes, cut up the plasticy packaging into weeny bits and dispose of that, keeping the flat packed boxes for the recycling man and putting them out , again when nobody else was about to see :(

This Easter I didn't touch an egg. I wasn't interested. I never had any flat packed boxes! In fact other than the last 3 weeks where I overrid Trevor I've hardly touched chocolate. In fact I'd have it once a month as it tended to be something I'd do when hormonal. Thats fine. Skinny people do that too!

Only earlier this week I was looking for some warm pjs as the weather has turned. Hidden under the pjs were a couple of flat packed easter egg boxes (blushes) from year before last at a guess! It really did make me giggle I put them out for recycling smiling away to myself.

In fact while overrding the pods I did the same with some smaller chocolates and the packaging is hidden in my drawer. Jackie the chocolate monster returned for a few days, but shes gone again now as I can now see the sad but funny side in it.  Last night having just 4 chocolates proved she'd gone. I'd have eaten the box in the past, working out what was originally in there if any had been eaten already, replacing the box before anyone came home and ensuring I'd eaten the ones that had already been eaten if you get what I mean! I may have done this several time with just one box of chocolates! eek!  Day before yesterday that opened box was untouched by me. I simply didn't want one (eek)  yesterday I slowly savoured 4, but that was enough, I didn't need anymore and I've not had to flatpack or replace that box of chocolates once and we got them at the weekend :) in the past I guess we'd have been on at least the second replaced box by now afterall its Thursday today and the choccie monster would have been by now!

So today I shall clear out any old wrappers from my drawer. Thats in the past and shall look forward to the future as I am no longer a chocoholic. No longer a choccie monster. I can do chocolate in moderation and in fact can go several weeks without it now.

Does the chocolate pod work? I'd say it does :D 

I used to do the same with biscuits too. Eat a whole packet and hide the evidence. :( I really had issues with secret eating and hiding the evidence.  When it rearerd its head for those few days I really didn't like it. It made me sit and think about why I was doing it?

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

One day completed!

Yesterday went well!

I used my power shower and chillpod a few times throughout the day and it made all the difference, I realised just how powerful they are :)  I hadn't been listening to them everyday as 'too busy' but I am going to now as I am convinced they really helped me yesterday. In fact I've listened to both already today :)

I ate sensibly and stopped when full hearing the full signal and enjoying my food. I chose healthy foods without a thought. The others had lasagne for tea and I chose chicken, fresh green beans and potato (eek) I chose to eat healthy without even thinking about it :) I really enjoyed my food yesterday too.

I refused choccies and cake, and avoided crisps without a thought. No stress = sensible eating and didn't override the pods! woohoo!

I feel so much better already.

I went for two walks yesterday too.  One was for about 45 mins and the other about 40 so not too bad considering can't leave Chris for too long at the moment.

Today I planned two walks but school want to ring and a parcel being delivered so I'll take Charlie to school and do two miles TTapp as I find that so good for my back and my posture :) Its the simplest TTapp dvd but its always worked well for me !

Jackie is back!

Monday, 5 November 2012

still struggling

I am still struggling but have a plan of action now.

I am going to use my powershower pod more and chillpod and see if that helps me.

I am beginning to exercise again even though I feel rather round and sluggish as deep down I know this is key for me and helps me to refocus.

I may have to adjust my goals slightly but thats fine as this isn't a race its a lifestyle change.

I am going to try to use the swish technique today instead of just reaching for the crisps or chocolate.

I think the chocolate is hormone related so i'm not as bothered about that as I know it will pass.

Yesterday I walked Carla for 35 mins (not far I know but can't leave Chris for any long length of time) and I did 2 miles TTapp. So its a good start.

So I just need to do as I say I will. Practice what I preach! Can I do it? Yes I can !

Well its 4pm and so far so good. Today the chillpod and powershower have got me through my iffy time :) I've been for two walks today as well :) woohoo! hope this is a sign of having turned the corner.!