Another good day. I did have 4 chocolates last night and 3 marshmallows but reminded myself thats allowed as I fancied them and not on a diet and the rest of the box are still there :) so in my mind this is an amazing step forward and shows I am not overriding the pods anymore! woohoo! Jackie really is back!
Funnily enough reading what Becca just put about hunger not being an emergency showed me a few things
a) I wasn't hungry and knew that I wasn't
b) I felt I was overriding the pods on purpose
c) I can do this!
So day 3 is already underway. I've listened to my pods already and feeling calm, confident and positive again :)
I really feel I can do this. I just need to stop and think each time I go towards that crisp draw or give in to the lure of chocolate calling me from the kitchen or the shop. I went through a terrible phase of overriding Trevor's voice in my ear 'you don't need it' 'you are not hungry' it was like the child in me 'so what! I'll have it anyway! what you gonna do about it!' I could almost see me being rebelious, hands on hips, snotty voice, just as I perhaps did as a child. The thing is I'm not that child anymore I'm an adult and all I actually achieved was to put on weight!
I had a conversation last week that threw up the fact in a nut shell I didn't like to disappoint people, or would feel people would be disappointed in me. A failure. No good, useless. But the big word was 'disappointment'. This conversation made me realise what was happening what was going on in my head and it was actually really silly. I have really felt I've left that Jackie behind finally and can now move on and continue my journey. Goodness me its been a journey so far but I don't regret any of it. Look what I've achieved, look what I've changed :) Even now back in some tight size 18's I'm a different Jackie. Old Jackie would be a size 26/28 again squeezed into a size 20! She'd have given up ages ago but this Jackie dusts herself down and picks herself up and works out each thing thrown at me. Doesn't dust it under the carpet she deals with it, disects it, works it out and moves on. :) I rather like the new Jackie.
New Jackie just had a skype conversation. (eek) whats the big deal you ask? wow alot of a deal. a) seeing me, b) new technology c) that fear of being a disappointment.
I thought about this on the way to take Charlie to school. Old Jackie would have cancelled yesterday. She'd have pulled out one of her excuses. I was pretty good at excuses actually as used them all the time. New Jackie took a deep breath and did it :) she had no intention at any point of pulling out, of taking the easy way out, she planned all along to go ahead with it as it was part of moving on, part of her journey. I am proud of new Jackie today. Would she do it again? Yes she would :)
This post brought up a far bigger story. The story of a chocoholic. A secret eater. Anyone else done it? Does it? Is it , was it just me?
I'd buy chocolate. Chocolate was my drug. Upset, tired, fed up, stressed = stuff it all down with chocolate. Had to be Cadburys (I swear their sales have gone down alot recently ! hehehehehe) jackie the chocolate monster! She ate loads. I'd go in the shop buy loads, muttering that they were for the kids to put away in the larder incase they wanted them. (rollseyes) I even felt guilty buying it, as I knew what I was going to do.
I'd buy 3 for a £1 etc. I'd buy them if they weren't 3 for a £1 too of course! but I'd buy 6 and eat them all. Twirls, crunchies, large 200g bars, etc etc. I ate them. Did I feel sick? Sometimes but then i'd have a coffee and carry on. Did I share it, heck no! You hide it in your desk drawer under the envelopes and sneek out there later 'to work' don't you? as thats what I did.
I'd hide the wrappers in my drawer too. I'd then screw them up in paper or old envelopes to put them in the bin. So that nobody knew what I was doing.
If I bought chocolates or was given chocolates I ate them all and then hid the boxes flat packed in jiffy bags until the recycling man came :( I'd then put them out when nobody knew. :( Easter was the worst. I only ever bought Cadburys eggs (I wonder why) I'd buy loads on offer, and eat my way through them while kids at school and hubby at work. I'd then flat pack the boxes, cut up the plasticy packaging into weeny bits and dispose of that, keeping the flat packed boxes for the recycling man and putting them out , again when nobody else was about to see :(
This Easter I didn't touch an egg. I wasn't interested. I never had any flat packed boxes! In fact other than the last 3 weeks where I overrid Trevor I've hardly touched chocolate. In fact I'd have it once a month as it tended to be something I'd do when hormonal. Thats fine. Skinny people do that too!
Only earlier this week I was looking for some warm pjs as the weather has turned. Hidden under the pjs were a couple of flat packed easter egg boxes (blushes) from year before last at a guess! It really did make me giggle I put them out for recycling smiling away to myself.
In fact while overrding the pods I did the same with some smaller chocolates and the packaging is hidden in my drawer. Jackie the chocolate monster returned for a few days, but shes gone again now as I can now see the sad but funny side in it. Last night having just 4 chocolates proved she'd gone. I'd have eaten the box in the past, working out what was originally in there if any had been eaten already, replacing the box before anyone came home and ensuring I'd eaten the ones that had already been eaten if you get what I mean! I may have done this several time with just one box of chocolates! eek! Day before yesterday that opened box was untouched by me. I simply didn't want one (eek) yesterday I slowly savoured 4, but that was enough, I didn't need anymore and I've not had to flatpack or replace that box of chocolates once and we got them at the weekend :) in the past I guess we'd have been on at least the second replaced box by now afterall its Thursday today and the choccie monster would have been by now!
So today I shall clear out any old wrappers from my drawer. Thats in the past and shall look forward to the future as I am no longer a chocoholic. No longer a choccie monster. I can do chocolate in moderation and in fact can go several weeks without it now.
Does the chocolate pod work? I'd say it does :D
I used to do the same with biscuits too. Eat a whole packet and hide the evidence. :( I really had issues with secret eating and hiding the evidence. When it rearerd its head for those few days I really didn't like it. It made me sit and think about why I was doing it?
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