I am feeling really positive and confident at the moment. My head is back in a good place and I have faith in me.
This week I have noticed big changes in my eating habits. I am just waiting until I feel hungry and eating, and then stopping when full. I am not constantly eating just because its lunch time, or breakfast time. I do eat my main meal with the family though as its the one time of day we all sit together.
I am noticing I am really considering what it is I want and having it. I've also noticed I am serving up smaller portions again and finding them satisfying as I know I can eat again if hungry. Most of the time I am not needing to. Last night I felt hungry so I had some rich tea biscuits and a yogurt. It was what I fancied. I have never been a fan of Rich Tea biscuits so its an odd choice for me to make but it hit the spot and I enjoyed it.
I am trying to master hula hooping. Hmmmm I am not succeeding at all apparently I am simply not moving my hips! Or so Charlie says! I am believe it or not trying to! I am not giving in. I shall just have to keep trying!
I have noticed on 3 occasions in the past 2 weeks, my 'hands' have wanted food. I know that sounds odd but its abit like smoking I guess. Years and years of ingrained habits and certain circumstances (usually stress for me) make my hands want food. I know I'm not hungry, I don't need it, but my hands do, Why oh why don't mind hands chose to want fruit? or a healthy snack? No when my hands want food its always chocolate and crisps. Eaten fast and before you know it you are 4 penguins and 3 bags of crisps in, then I sit on my hands! But I observed it, I see what sets me off now and I am doing something about it .
In the past though with all the stress I've had it would have been and was a daily occurrence several times a day, not just the odd one once a day, and these days I realise what I am doing and stop and simply carry on normally. I don't spend weeks bingeing and feeling sorry for myself. It happened. Its done. Its dusted. move on. This works well for me as limits the damage and I don't feel overwhelmed.
Its like I'm taking back my control of food one step at a time and not many steps left now as most of the time I have total control. My hands don't!
I find I chose to walk to town, even in this extreme heat rather than take the car which is here most of the time now as Gary uses a company car/van thingy. I have a sedantry job really so I find I am getting up and doing something just little bits rather than sit there all day as I did. Kids are off now for the summer so I will be up and down far more being referee! You'd think as one is 16 and one just 9 all would be calm wouldn't you? Big age gap? Different interests? Oh no their main interest is winding each other up. Even at 16 if your little sister kicks you, its okay to kick her back, but harder and then say I didn't hurt her!! They are both as bad that's for sure.
I am slowly changing my beliefs in myself. Its taking time but I can see it changing slowly for the better :) Changing my life a step at a time :) for the better, for good!
Monday, 15 July 2013
Then I found this picture
Look sideways Jackie don't look at that camera. I lived in black. I thought I looked slimmer! As one does.
The hair is off my face abit though, not totally hiding behind it.
Then I start my slimpod journey and here I am
The slouched shoulders, no confidence.
Whats different?? I've come out from behind the hair, I'm actually looking at the camera as I took this picture. And look at the smile. That real smile :)
Have I reached my target yet? Nope a fair way to go. But I am not recognizable as the woman I was before. I walk tall. No slouched shoulders. I smile alot more. I am far far happier.
Yes my stomach feels huge at the moment. Its partly hormonal that's for sure but we won't go into that, its all part and parcel of being a woman! Its been this way 2 months now and I let it get me down but why? Its me isn't it? Its just how it is? Why am I so bothered?? I felt a failure again. Yep that blooming word failure. Why oh why does that word come up so much ? I guess because its my belief. I believe I am a failure. So lets change that word forever shall we??
F = FRIENDS = I've made some fantastic friends on my journey
A = ACTION = move that body for a better body - I move around more now
I = INSPIRE = I inspire some people to keep going
L = LIKE = I like me again!
U = UNDERSTAND = I understand what others are going through and love to help
R = REAL = I have a real smile
E = EYES = I have pretty eyes
The other thing is I have spent the last few years thinking I look gross. Disgusting. Quick hide behind as many clothes as possible. I've spent ever summer in leggings. Thick black leggings or trousers. :( Awful. This year I got sick of it. Why hide? Who's looking at me for goodness sake the World has far better things to do than to look and me and think "OMG look at her!" but I honestly used to believe they did. Stare at me. Think I was gross and disgusting just as I thought.
2 weeks ago I got hold of my two pairs of stretchy black trousers and cut the legs off. Shorts that happily fit over my larger belly. I've lived in them since! I've not got changed to walk to town, to go for coffee, to go to the shops. I am me. I went out as me! and guess what nobody said anything and I didn't look at the pavement. I didn't hunch my shoulders. I didn't dash back indoors and hide from the World, I went out. I enjoyed it. I walked tall with a smile and many smiled and said hi back to me!
I finally have confidence. I may not have a size 14 body yet, but I have something far better than that I feel happier. I can talk to people I don't know. I can go outside in shorts and not give a stuff what others think. So if like me you are hiding behind thick leggings, long tops, stretchy trousers. DON'T!!!! Be you! Be happy! Enjoy your life.
I will be a size 14 and I will get there this year :) I am determined. I am actually beginning to believe I really can do this. I didn't believe I could before so I was never going to get there. My beliefs are changing :) I've changed so much in my life I am now only one step away from getting that size 14 body. Its quite a big step really. Abit like climbing a mountain, but imagine that sense of achievement when you get to the top of that mountain :) How amazing will that feel? I know how amazing it will feel. I can 'feel' what it will feel like. I can visualise it now :) Look how long its taken me to truly believe that YES I CAN DO IT!
I have dealt with so much and now I'm on the last hurdle. My belief in me. My faith in me. Its been a long journey for me. Would I change it? NO. Trevor says 'There is no failure only feedback' and he's right. Each blip, each tear, each hair pulled out in frustration is for a reason. We grow as we learn. I've learnt so much about me.
I have had the most stressful year possible but I have come out the other side. I am a confident woman again. I have a real smile :)